Because I have so much to do! I’m supposed to be painting out in our new camper trailer, but it’s so cold outside (ugh, I’m tired of the cold) and my fingers were getting iced over. So I’m taking a break.
At any rate, I’ve been thinking about something for the past couple days…it’s going round and round in my head, so I thought I’d get it straightened out on paper…or online I guess. I’m trying to decide if it is appropriate for a man (married/Christian or not) to give a compliment to a woman (married/Christian or not) about her looks. First I’ll give you a couple of examples that have happened to me recently, then I will enlighten you all to my past and then I will wow you with my witty opinion. =)
Example #1: Easter Sunday a guy from my church whom I adore greeted me by saying “Hey Gorgeous!” and giving me a hug. It was very sweet…not at all creepy. It was exactly like he was greeting his sister. It TOTALLY made my day.
Example #2: Josh emailed the guy that we bought our aforementioned camper trailer yesterday to let them know that they had left a few things inside and wondered if they wanted them back. He emailed Josh back and at the end of the email said something to the effect of “You have a beautiful family and a very pretty wife…you are a lucky man.” Josh actually twittered about that yesterday, if any of you follow him, you may have seen it. The one comment that Josh received from this update was from someone who said it was nice, but a bit creepy. Well…maybe. Josh and I didn’t take it as creepy. We both took it as a compliment. But she may have been picturing something different than the family man that we actually bought the trailer from.
But her reaction kinda got me thinking about this subject of whether this is appropriate or not. Before I get into anything else, let me clarify that when I talk about a man giving a compliment to a woman, what I’m referring to is a man treating a woman like a sister…nothing creepy like looking her up and down and saying something to the effect of, “Damn, you’re hot.” or anything like that….that’s just offensive and creepy on a number of levels. And let me tell you, we women ALWAYS know the difference between sincere brotherly love/admiration and lust. ALWAYS.
During my growing up years, I did not grow up in a family that was very demonstrative. Neither physically nor verbally. We just weren’t. I didn’t really know any different. By the time I was in high school, I knew (or was convinced) that I was not beautiful. No one had EVER told me that I was. Not my mom, not my dad, not my friends, not any boys. I may have had an inkling when I noticed a boy looking at me that he might have thought I was cute, but almost always disregarded it as false. When I started dating a boy my sophomore year, he was the first one that I can remember to ever tell me any differently. For some odd reason, he found me attractive. I realize that in Jr. High/High school, everyone has self esteem issues. But for me it was deeper than adolescence. It still effects me today although I am learning to fight it with Josh’s help. Shortly after graduating high school I started working at an athletic club. I was working there almost full time for about a year in many different areas so I got to know lots of people. And as opposed to high school where just about all my friends went to church with me, most of the people weren’t Christians. And you know what? I have so many fond memories of working there because this was the first time that I was ever in an environment where people openly flirted with me, guys were attracted to me and I knew it! Do you know why? Because they TOLD me! I realize that this sounds so silly and shallow and I’m sorry about that, but it’s true. I read a book a few years ago called ‘Captivating’ and it talks all about the heart of a woman. And I learned in that book that as women we LONG to be beautiful, for someone to find us attractive…this is the way God made us.
So here’s my thoughts on this subject. If you’re a man, and you have eyes and you notice a woman who is attractive…if you can do it without being creepy, you should tell her. Because even if you’re not like me and you were raised in a family where you were told you were beautiful from the time you were born, we are still bombarded daily, hourly with fake images of super thin perfect looking supermodels that supposedly what we are supposed to look like. It’s so easy to believe (true or not) that THIS is what every man’s ideal looking woman is. And we can never measure up to that. Those girls probably don’t even look like themselves in person after all the airbrushing, etc that goes on. Every woman on the face of the earth has things about herself that she wants to change. And yet, we long to be beautiful. We just do.
It seems as though in the Christian circle especially we are especially conservative in this area. Men try to be more careful about lusting and improper thoughts. Which is great of course. And I support you in this. =) But can’t there be a balance between lusting and making the rest of us feel like crap because no one has ever told us we’re beautiful because you’re too busy being conservative? There has to be a balance. Do you think that Jesus would have trouble with being able to tell a woman that she was beautiful? I don’t think so…in fact, I bet that’s one of the first things he tells women upon entering heaven. Because he knows how much we long to hear it.
The last thing I’ve been wondering about to balance out my opinion of this subject is whether or not I would feel comfortable with Josh telling another woman that she was beautiful. I really had to think about that. I think that if it was done in an appropriate way and like he was looking at and speaking to a sister, the answer is a resounding yes. Because I wouldn’t feel threatened by that. If he was being completely appropriate and I WAS threatened by that, then that’s probably my own issue to deal with.
So there’s my thoughts. I would love to hear your feedback on this issue…especially from the one man who reads my blog. What do you think about men giving compliments to women?