Because I have so much to do! I’m supposed to be painting out in our new camper trailer, but it’s so cold outside (ugh, I’m tired of the cold) and my fingers were getting iced over. So I’m taking a break.
At any rate, I’ve been thinking about something for the past couple days…it’s going round and round in my head, so I thought I’d get it straightened out on paper…or online I guess. I’m trying to decide if it is appropriate for a man (married/Christian or not) to give a compliment to a woman (married/Christian or not) about her looks. First I’ll give you a couple of examples that have happened to me recently, then I will enlighten you all to my past and then I will wow you with my witty opinion. =)
Example #1: Easter Sunday a guy from my church whom I adore greeted me by saying “Hey Gorgeous!” and giving me a hug. It was very sweet…not at all creepy. It was exactly like he was greeting his sister. It TOTALLY made my day.
Example #2: Josh emailed the guy that we bought our aforementioned camper trailer yesterday to let them know that they had left a few things inside and wondered if they wanted them back. He emailed Josh back and at the end of the email said something to the effect of “You have a beautiful family and a very pretty wife…you are a lucky man.” Josh actually twittered about that yesterday, if any of you follow him, you may have seen it. The one comment that Josh received from this update was from someone who said it was nice, but a bit creepy. Well…maybe. Josh and I didn’t take it as creepy. We both took it as a compliment. But she may have been picturing something different than the family man that we actually bought the trailer from.
But her reaction kinda got me thinking about this subject of whether this is appropriate or not. Before I get into anything else, let me clarify that when I talk about a man giving a compliment to a woman, what I’m referring to is a man treating a woman like a sister…nothing creepy like looking her up and down and saying something to the effect of, “Damn, you’re hot.” or anything like that….that’s just offensive and creepy on a number of levels. And let me tell you, we women ALWAYS know the difference between sincere brotherly love/admiration and lust. ALWAYS.
During my growing up years, I did not grow up in a family that was very demonstrative. Neither physically nor verbally. We just weren’t. I didn’t really know any different. By the time I was in high school, I knew (or was convinced) that I was not beautiful. No one had EVER told me that I was. Not my mom, not my dad, not my friends, not any boys. I may have had an inkling when I noticed a boy looking at me that he might have thought I was cute, but almost always disregarded it as false. When I started dating a boy my sophomore year, he was the first one that I can remember to ever tell me any differently. For some odd reason, he found me attractive. I realize that in Jr. High/High school, everyone has self esteem issues. But for me it was deeper than adolescence. It still effects me today although I am learning to fight it with Josh’s help. Shortly after graduating high school I started working at an athletic club. I was working there almost full time for about a year in many different areas so I got to know lots of people. And as opposed to high school where just about all my friends went to church with me, most of the people weren’t Christians. And you know what? I have so many fond memories of working there because this was the first time that I was ever in an environment where people openly flirted with me, guys were attracted to me and I knew it! Do you know why? Because they TOLD me! I realize that this sounds so silly and shallow and I’m sorry about that, but it’s true. I read a book a few years ago called ‘Captivating’ and it talks all about the heart of a woman. And I learned in that book that as women we LONG to be beautiful, for someone to find us attractive…this is the way God made us.
So here’s my thoughts on this subject. If you’re a man, and you have eyes and you notice a woman who is attractive…if you can do it without being creepy, you should tell her. Because even if you’re not like me and you were raised in a family where you were told you were beautiful from the time you were born, we are still bombarded daily, hourly with fake images of super thin perfect looking supermodels that supposedly what we are supposed to look like. It’s so easy to believe (true or not) that THIS is what every man’s ideal looking woman is. And we can never measure up to that. Those girls probably don’t even look like themselves in person after all the airbrushing, etc that goes on. Every woman on the face of the earth has things about herself that she wants to change. And yet, we long to be beautiful. We just do.
It seems as though in the Christian circle especially we are especially conservative in this area. Men try to be more careful about lusting and improper thoughts. Which is great of course. And I support you in this. =) But can’t there be a balance between lusting and making the rest of us feel like crap because no one has ever told us we’re beautiful because you’re too busy being conservative? There has to be a balance. Do you think that Jesus would have trouble with being able to tell a woman that she was beautiful? I don’t think so…in fact, I bet that’s one of the first things he tells women upon entering heaven. Because he knows how much we long to hear it.
The last thing I’ve been wondering about to balance out my opinion of this subject is whether or not I would feel comfortable with Josh telling another woman that she was beautiful. I really had to think about that. I think that if it was done in an appropriate way and like he was looking at and speaking to a sister, the answer is a resounding yes. Because I wouldn’t feel threatened by that. If he was being completely appropriate and I WAS threatened by that, then that’s probably my own issue to deal with.
So there’s my thoughts. I would love to hear your feedback on this issue…especially from the one man who reads my blog. What do you think about men giving compliments to women?
Really interesting topic Kristi. I think I agree with you that it’s okay and actually encouraging for a man to compliment a woman, though I also agree that delivery needs to be appropriate and err on the side of too platonic. I thought it was great, for example, that they guy you bought the trailer from spoke (or wrote) his compliment to Josh, not to you. Clearly he was being nice and there was hardly room for it to be taken inappropriately given that Josh was the middle man. Same thing with the guy at church greeting you that way. Relationally it felt brotherly and appropriate, and I think it’s sad if men don’t think they can share a compliment like that. I think it’s all about the heart of the person delivering the compliment. Is the man admiring the beauty of God’s creation? Is he making an effort to make a sister feel special and valued? Great. Is he thinking about how her good looks could feed his own desires? Better leave the comment unsaid, whether either one of them is married or not. At least that’s my opinion. But I’d be interested too to hear what men have to say.
Alright Jeremy… I’m coming after you at church on Sunday. Watch out!
interesting stuff, Kristi. unfortunately, my brain’s down for a nap, so I’ll have to think about this and give you my thoughts later.
Given all of the stipulations that you mentioned, I think that it is great! Especially if you know him and his relationship with his wife. If you know that he is sold-out in love with her, and would feel comfortable giving you that same compliment in front of her, I would have no reservations. I also think that a compliment man to man like that is fine.
(BTW, I can’t wait to hear Jesus tell me that I am beautiful! Tearing up right now just thinking about it! I’d have to believe it coming from Him!!!)
Interesting post!
I really think compliments by the oposite sex is about wording. In my opinion the #1 comment was inapropriate. It would be different if he’d said “You look really nice today Kristi!” The way he said it soudnded too casual. No matter if it was brotherly given, it just didn’t sound that way. The wording was too intamate to be brotherly. If a friend had told that to me I’d probably have said “Excuce me?!?” It’s not creepy, just inapraopriate.
Example #2 Because this was a compliment given to you through Josh, this one, to me, is acceptable. And really, if it was directly given to you I think it’d be o.k.
I think we all need to be careful how we give complimets to the oposite sex. When compliments get us too warm and fuzzy, temptations creep in and then you’ve got a whole other issue. Who do we need acceptance from? A man/woman that we’re not married to (regardless if they’re admireing God’s creation or not)? That acceptance could be missplaced and harmful. No matter if your background was harmfull or not.
To me it’s not about being conservative. It’s about being CAREFUL. I’d rather have my Man be careful and not say something than not be careful and get into trouble.
I asked Ben what he’d think if I told a guy he (the other man) was gorgeous. I’ll just say he wouldn’t be pleased =D But if I’d use different words like, nice or spiffy….totally different reaction. The same went for me. I don’t ever want Ben to tell a woman, other than me, she’s gorgeous or pretty (unless it’s one of his blood sisters or his daughter!). But for him to use the spiffy type words…not a problem!
WHEW! With all that said I do aggree that compliments should be given…..just carefuly done. We need to be careful and respect the union of husband and wife. I think that some compliments do not repect that union.
That really was WAY too long of a comment, huh? SORRY!
And just for the record….you are gorgeous and I love the way you make me thing about stuff! THANKS!!!
Touchy subject to be sure. As you know I can relate to the non-demonstrative family environment so expressions such as these have had to be learned as an adult and rarely have a “natural” feel to them. I can’t speak with any authority about how a woman in general may receive a comment on her beauty but I can speak for my wife. I know it affects her deeply when I say it and I know that it has affected her negatively when it was done wrong. It seems the observation regarding the need to hear it is real enough but I’ll stick to a man’s perspective if that is all right. In fact, I’ll speak from the perspective of a man that is conservative, Christian and cares how it might be received.
As a man, married at that, I find it challenging at the very least to find the line on this one. We are always concerned about how it will be received. We do notice because we do have eyes. We also notice more than just physical appearances. We notice words and attitudes as well. A woman can be very attractive on the outside only to open her mouth and have all beauty or attractiveness depart from her. We also notice if a woman is “selling” something. Just like you know “CREEPY”, we can sense a sales pitch. So, for the sake of this discussion we will just take the normative and work with it.
Like I said we do notice but rarely say anything. We have been beaten by society into a place where are comment can and will be used against you. So basically, we are gun shy. Sorry ladies because you loose as much as we do in this. I do think that it can be “creepy” but I believe that most times it’s not. If there is not established relationship, like the guy you bought the trailer from, then distance and intermediaries are appropriate. It is also appropriate to make such statements as “you have a lovely wife and kids” or “What a beautiful family you have” to a husband. We actually like to hear that ourselves. Just for the record when a guy tells another guy that his wife is “hot” he should be decked.
Now on to the direct compliment. Here is where so many men get into trouble. We usually make a mess of this area. We are trying to balance appropriateness, vulnerability, sensitivity, care and concern. This is nearly and overwhelming weight for any man to take on. Remember we are not wire this way. So, when we say “you look nice today” we are not just being superficial, we just don’t know how to say more without “crossing the line”. When we do step out and say things like “you look very beautiful today” we are nearly always nervous that we have “crossed the line”. And if any man says “you look hot today” you can go right ahead and slap him into next week.
All that said, I believe that situation and personalities are always going to play a factor in it. I do however, think that if it is not “creepy” take it as a compliment and move on. If it feels “creepy” let you husband know. If it feels a bit “off” then take some time and observe that person from a distance. their intentions will be shown in time.
Michael
thanks !! very helpful post!
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